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Trying to cope

September 19, 2011

My father passed away on 8/31/2011.  Since receiving the phone call from my mom to let me know he was gone, I have cried twice.  I cried once when I received the news and the other day as I drove home.  I did not shed a tear at his memorial service, nor did I shed a tear when comforting my mom during this horrible time.  I did not shed a tear cleaning out his closets or his dresser.  I did not shed a tear while standing in the garage, surrounded by the tools my father had accumulated over 30+ years as a plastics processing engineer.  I seem dull or unmoved by everything happening around me and I sometimes find myself wondering if this how my dad felt over the past few months of his life.  Except for him, the dullness was alcohol induced.

All of this is say that the question I find myself continually asking is when do I get to mourn the loss of my father?  When do I get the opportunity to be sad and really let it out?  In place of sadness, I just feel anger and resentment.  I hate how I feel and I am worried about the people who love me.  I do not want to lash out at them, but each that goes by, I feel like I am bottling up more and more anger.  The more I keep it bottled up, the more lost I feel and the more I feel like I will not be able to find my way out.

I keep telling myself to hold on; it will get better over time.  Actually, I am not telling myself that, I am asking myself if it will get better over time.  And I don’t know the answer.  I miss my dad.


From → Alcoholism

  1. Debbie permalink

    Anger is part of the mourning process, especially when the family member that passed was an alcoholic and you were the designated caretaker in his/her absence. Now it’s time to take care of you. Do what you need to do to move through the mourning process and release yourself. It may mean setting boundaries, taking time out, finding a support group, getting guidance from a professional, building your faith, blogging…or all of the above…you get the picture.

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