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The next to last call

August 31, 2011

My phone rang at 6:55 this morning.  It has always been my experience that a phone ringing that early in the morning is never a good sign.  This call just reinforced that thought.  The hospice center called my mom early this morning to inform her that my dad had deteriorated over night and the end will be soon.  His circulation is getting worse and there are long pauses between breathes.

So, now I wait for the next phone call, to tell me my father is gone.  I am an emotional basket case as I wait for the call.  I do not know whether I should be relieved that my dad’s suffering is over and he is now at peace.  Or if I should be angry that he led such a great life that was cut short by his choice of alcohol over us.  Or if I should be sad that my dad is now gone.  I will no longer have the person who offered me so much guidance and advice to lean on.  If there is something wrong in the house, I no longer will be able to pick up the phone and call him for help.

We will have a memorial service for my father, and I will speak at the service.  I do not know how I will be able to do it, but I will do it.  I will do it so everyone who knew my dad, will get to know him a little bit better.  I will do it so that people’s lasting memories of my dad will be good.  I will do it to help my mother overcome the loss of her partner of over 40 years.  I will do it to try to force the memories of my dad with a drink out of my mind.  But, most of all, I will do it for myself.

I love you dad and I will miss you.

And I hope my phone does not ring too soon.


From → Alcoholism

One Comment
  1. Thank you for sharing your heart. Still praying for you and your family. You sound like a good man. As a mom, I know that you are being respectful of her wishes even at a cost to yourself. She is blessed to have you.

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